Yearning for More.

Before I begin, I’m sorry for not writing sooner! Life seems to run in cycles of happiness and bliss to stress and anxiety. Since life is now settling down, I have had a lot of time to just think about different things. Lately my life has been focused on trying to keep perspective. Trying to remember that there are no “winners” or “losers” in the marathon that is life.

Let’s set the scene. I am a 22 year old university graduate starting her life in the full-time salary world. I realize I am beyond blessed and privileged to be in this position! Now, as mentioned before, I have always been a part of the Christian community when it comes to all of my academics. This unfortunately means I am surrounded by young couples who are born into the thought of getting married quite young. I can tell you that right now about 90% of my close friends are either in a long term relationship upwards of 3 years, engaged or married. Yes. Married. At 20-22! So, how does this make me feel? It makes me feel like a LOSER. Like I am 1000 yards behind everyone else in life. I feel like a spinster and I am only fucking 22! How is this my life?

But here’s the thing. Although all my friends make me feel like I’m missing something and that I’m behind, I realize I actually yearn for more than just “my person.” I’m yearning for the understanding of what it means to be me. Whether that be with someone or without! Often people say they find the person who “completes” them and I do believe that someone out there does make you feel more you BUT at the same time, everyone says, “You’ll find your person when you’re not looking.” Well, FUCK YOU to anyone who has said that. FUCK YOU if you can really tell me you 100% in no way were looking for someone in anyway! Sure, looking for someone may not have been your first thought BUT you definitely had it chilling somewhere in the back of your mind. If not, message me because I just don’t get it. Of course I’ve had times where a relationship was the LAST thing on my mind but it was still there!

I honestly believe that at the root of who we are, as humans, is to seek community. For example, how many people in your circle of friends and family have a fear of being alone? Or a fear of missing out? Or a fear of dying alone? I bet you a large majority of them have one of these fears and are scared shitless of them! I don’t like to think about it but yah, I’m afraid to die alone. I’ve always thought that falling in love and living life with a partner in life is a large part of life in general! That living life to the fullest is to lose yourself in someone else. So if you die before you get that chance than yah, you missed out on something pretty amazing!

Sure, I’m a young woman who was created with many physical desires that make life a struggle at times but what I seek is so much more than just a physical spark or attraction! I yearn for someone who wants to know every piece of me, even if I don’t want to share it. I yearn for someone who sees the good in the bad that happens and that supports me even when they know I’m wrong. I yearn for someone who can be 100% truthful and honest with me, even if that means I get hurt or disappointed. I yearn for a love that’s based on friendship and companionship. I yearn for someone who makes me feel loved by simply sitting in the same room as me, no words needed.

Simply put, I’m waiting and it sucks. But, I know that the more I wait, the more I know what I want! The more I figure out what I deserve and what I can really give to another person.

My greatest fear is to settle. By settle I really mean settle in anything in life. Settle in friendships. Settle in my work life. Settle in my future marriage. I yearn for more because I know it’s possible. So I guess what I’m saying is yearn for more! Make mistakes. Fall in love and walk away if you need. Learn what you deserve and strive for it! And most importantly, don’t settle! If I can brush off everyone telling me to date this person or go for that person, you can do it too! And I’m telling you, some of the offers aren’t easy “no’s.” But I believe in you! Because you deserve more!

Yah, I know this was pretty soft but I’m feeling pretty soft today!

Anyway, Sending Love Your Way!

Broken Girl Learning to Heal

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What Now?

So I’m sitting here thinking, I’ve made this blog I’ve only ever dreamed about and now what? What do I write about next? And it’s funny. I hate this question. I didn’t always hate it but recently, it comes up a lot in my life. You see, I’m a recent University grad and well, life didn’t exactly play out as I thought it would.

I was raised in a home where life just happens. You don’t have to do a lot besides be a good Christian girl, go to church, love Jesus, find a man, marry him and have kids. Easy right? WRONG! You see I always thought I would find the love of my life in high school. We’d be high school sweethearts who went to the same college or university, grow together, learn what love was really all about and be married once we finished school. He would get a job and support the family while I, who would happily continue working as a successful anything, would stay at home with our kids. Now, I am a very career orientated woman so saying that kind of makes me shiver but at the same time, I know I would be happy staying at home with the kids.

Add four years of university and nothing. No husband. No fiance. No freaking man in my life! How did this happen? Sure, I lived a good social life and have lots of friends but how am I the odd girl out? How did my perfect plan fail? Oh yeah. It’s not a perfect plan. You don’t get to just dream up a situation and it comes to fruition, or at least my life has taught me that. I mean, I wasn’t like chasing after boys and most the time I would say “I’m not really looking for anyone.” Which, even if you say this, you kinda are. Don’t let anyone fool you with that. Also, the whole “you find them when you’re not looking” thing, Fuck that! No way are you truly NEVER looking for someone. Sure you may not be actively pursuing someone but come on?

Anyway, keeping all that in mind, what now? What fucking now? I thought life would be a lot different than it is. I may ask myself this question often but it doesn’t help when everyone and their dog also asks this question. “So, what now? Any plans?” or “How is a good looking and smart girl like you single? What now?” This is my life. This is almost my daily life. But you know, I’ve learned that being put together doesn’t mean being perfect. I thought after school my life would be in order and all put together but here I am, sitting in my living room, avoiding responsibilities and the fact that I am indeed very single. And yet, I’m happy. I’m healthy. I have great friends and family who love me and I’ve got lots of time ahead of me so what’s the worry? What’s the rush?

So, if you’re like me and this post, which is a bit disjointed, a bit confusing and a bit rambly, welcome to the land of the unknown. But don’t dismay! It’s really not the end of the world! Even if your mom is really getting worried about it…

Sending Love Your Way,

Broken Girl Learning to Heal