Before I begin, I’m sorry for not writing sooner! Life seems to run in cycles of happiness and bliss to stress and anxiety. Since life is now settling down, I have had a lot of time to just think about different things. Lately my life has been focused on trying to keep perspective. Trying to remember that there are no “winners” or “losers” in the marathon that is life.
Let’s set the scene. I am a 22 year old university graduate starting her life in the full-time salary world. I realize I am beyond blessed and privileged to be in this position! Now, as mentioned before, I have always been a part of the Christian community when it comes to all of my academics. This unfortunately means I am surrounded by young couples who are born into the thought of getting married quite young. I can tell you that right now about 90% of my close friends are either in a long term relationship upwards of 3 years, engaged or married. Yes. Married. At 20-22! So, how does this make me feel? It makes me feel like a LOSER. Like I am 1000 yards behind everyone else in life. I feel like a spinster and I am only fucking 22! How is this my life?
But here’s the thing. Although all my friends make me feel like I’m missing something and that I’m behind, I realize I actually yearn for more than just “my person.” I’m yearning for the understanding of what it means to be me. Whether that be with someone or without! Often people say they find the person who “completes” them and I do believe that someone out there does make you feel more you BUT at the same time, everyone says, “You’ll find your person when you’re not looking.” Well, FUCK YOU to anyone who has said that. FUCK YOU if you can really tell me you 100% in no way were looking for someone in anyway! Sure, looking for someone may not have been your first thought BUT you definitely had it chilling somewhere in the back of your mind. If not, message me because I just don’t get it. Of course I’ve had times where a relationship was the LAST thing on my mind but it was still there!
I honestly believe that at the root of who we are, as humans, is to seek community. For example, how many people in your circle of friends and family have a fear of being alone? Or a fear of missing out? Or a fear of dying alone? I bet you a large majority of them have one of these fears and are scared shitless of them! I don’t like to think about it but yah, I’m afraid to die alone. I’ve always thought that falling in love and living life with a partner in life is a large part of life in general! That living life to the fullest is to lose yourself in someone else. So if you die before you get that chance than yah, you missed out on something pretty amazing!
Sure, I’m a young woman who was created with many physical desires that make life a struggle at times but what I seek is so much more than just a physical spark or attraction! I yearn for someone who wants to know every piece of me, even if I don’t want to share it. I yearn for someone who sees the good in the bad that happens and that supports me even when they know I’m wrong. I yearn for someone who can be 100% truthful and honest with me, even if that means I get hurt or disappointed. I yearn for a love that’s based on friendship and companionship. I yearn for someone who makes me feel loved by simply sitting in the same room as me, no words needed.
Simply put, I’m waiting and it sucks. But, I know that the more I wait, the more I know what I want! The more I figure out what I deserve and what I can really give to another person.
My greatest fear is to settle. By settle I really mean settle in anything in life. Settle in friendships. Settle in my work life. Settle in my future marriage. I yearn for more because I know it’s possible. So I guess what I’m saying is yearn for more! Make mistakes. Fall in love and walk away if you need. Learn what you deserve and strive for it! And most importantly, don’t settle! If I can brush off everyone telling me to date this person or go for that person, you can do it too! And I’m telling you, some of the offers aren’t easy “no’s.” But I believe in you! Because you deserve more!
Yah, I know this was pretty soft but I’m feeling pretty soft today!
Anyway, Sending Love Your Way!
Broken Girl Learning to Heal