Yearning for More.

Before I begin, I’m sorry for not writing sooner! Life seems to run in cycles of happiness and bliss to stress and anxiety. Since life is now settling down, I have had a lot of time to just think about different things. Lately my life has been focused on trying to keep perspective. Trying to remember that there are no “winners” or “losers” in the marathon that is life.

Let’s set the scene. I am a 22 year old university graduate starting her life in the full-time salary world. I realize I am beyond blessed and privileged to be in this position! Now, as mentioned before, I have always been a part of the Christian community when it comes to all of my academics. This unfortunately means I am surrounded by young couples who are born into the thought of getting married quite young. I can tell you that right now about 90% of my close friends are either in a long term relationship upwards of 3 years, engaged or married. Yes. Married. At 20-22! So, how does this make me feel? It makes me feel like a LOSER. Like I am 1000 yards behind everyone else in life. I feel like a spinster and I am only fucking 22! How is this my life?

But here’s the thing. Although all my friends make me feel like I’m missing something and that I’m behind, I realize I actually yearn for more than just “my person.” I’m yearning for the understanding of what it means to be me. Whether that be with someone or without! Often people say they find the person who “completes” them and I do believe that someone out there does make you feel more you BUT at the same time, everyone says, “You’ll find your person when you’re not looking.” Well, FUCK YOU to anyone who has said that. FUCK YOU if you can really tell me you 100% in no way were looking for someone in anyway! Sure, looking for someone may not have been your first thought BUT you definitely had it chilling somewhere in the back of your mind. If not, message me because I just don’t get it. Of course I’ve had times where a relationship was the LAST thing on my mind but it was still there!

I honestly believe that at the root of who we are, as humans, is to seek community. For example, how many people in your circle of friends and family have a fear of being alone? Or a fear of missing out? Or a fear of dying alone? I bet you a large majority of them have one of these fears and are scared shitless of them! I don’t like to think about it but yah, I’m afraid to die alone. I’ve always thought that falling in love and living life with a partner in life is a large part of life in general! That living life to the fullest is to lose yourself in someone else. So if you die before you get that chance than yah, you missed out on something pretty amazing!

Sure, I’m a young woman who was created with many physical desires that make life a struggle at times but what I seek is so much more than just a physical spark or attraction! I yearn for someone who wants to know every piece of me, even if I don’t want to share it. I yearn for someone who sees the good in the bad that happens and that supports me even when they know I’m wrong. I yearn for someone who can be 100% truthful and honest with me, even if that means I get hurt or disappointed. I yearn for a love that’s based on friendship and companionship. I yearn for someone who makes me feel loved by simply sitting in the same room as me, no words needed.

Simply put, I’m waiting and it sucks. But, I know that the more I wait, the more I know what I want! The more I figure out what I deserve and what I can really give to another person.

My greatest fear is to settle. By settle I really mean settle in anything in life. Settle in friendships. Settle in my work life. Settle in my future marriage. I yearn for more because I know it’s possible. So I guess what I’m saying is yearn for more! Make mistakes. Fall in love and walk away if you need. Learn what you deserve and strive for it! And most importantly, don’t settle! If I can brush off everyone telling me to date this person or go for that person, you can do it too! And I’m telling you, some of the offers aren’t easy “no’s.” But I believe in you! Because you deserve more!

Yah, I know this was pretty soft but I’m feeling pretty soft today!

Anyway, Sending Love Your Way!

Broken Girl Learning to Heal


Just Friends.

So recently I have been thinking a lot about the topic: Can Guys and Girls Just Be Friends? Now, I have always had my own philosophy, which I am going to share to you and maybe you can see my point of view, maybe you’ll think I’m crazy and just maybe, you’ll agree with me!

Here it goes. I believe that YES, guys and girls can just be friends. BUT, I don’t think male-female relationships go without at least one of two liking the other. I think that at one point one, or both, of the friends develop feelings/acknowledge the ability of more. However, even though they may have a moment of having feelings or stop to think about the possibility of the two together, they consciously decide not to pursue feelings. They decide that although it could work, it’s not a big enough risk to ruin what they have or it could work but it wouldn’t be “the one.”

So lets break this down into two scenario’s.

  1. You actually grow feelings for someone:
    This often occurs at the most inconvenient fucking time possible. Basically, you realize that you have a crush on someone who all your life has been like a sibling to you. Sometimes these feelings grow while they are trying to recover from a newly lost relationship and you have been helping them through the break-up. This fucking sucks. But, even with feelings, you realize it’s not worth it. That it won’t work out in the end or that there are too many friend moments that stop you from being a couple.
  2. You have a moment of “Hmmm…”
    This basically occurs when you have a close opposite gender friend who everyone, and I mean EVERY FUCKING ONE, thinks you are dating or should date. So, you have a moment of “hmmm… do I think this could actually work?” And you ultimately decide that you cannot and will not let that turn into more.

If anyone says they haven’t once seen their opposite gender friend in a more than friends light, they’re lying. It’s impossible not to at one point consider it, whether attraction plays a part or not! But, you can decide to NOT go for.

Now, all these scenarios, they can lead to more than friends. I’m not saying friends don’t become more than friends! I’m just saying, I do believe you can be JUST FRIENDS and truly mean it.

In an earlier blog I mentioned how I hate when people use “I think we’re better as friends” excuse because it sucks to hear it. And I think that the reason we say this is because we don’t want to say the actual reason why. Like why do you think friends is better? Don’t just say because friendship! Say the real fucking reason behind it! Whether that be sexual attraction or things you’ve done together that makes you too much like siblings to just being opposite personalities and just not being able to envision a life together. That’s okay! Just be honest! If you’re friends, shouldn’t you be able to tell the truth and be honest?

I’ve had to “we’re better off as friends” twice and each time it sucked but I had to be honest! The first one I said “I’m sorry. I don’t think you’re ready for a relationship and we are in two different places in our lives. I can’t give you (aka I’m talking about sex here) what you want.” Which, I think is only fair to say. It sucked and I felt bad but I wasn’t going to give him my virginity at any time! This was back when I was much more black and white about it. I’m super confused now…

And the second time, I just said, “I’ve thought about it but I just can’t see it ever really working out. I don’t think we would live together and have enough in common to be happy. But as friends, I can support you and not feel like I have to ‘love’ it or participate if I don’t want too.” And I think this is fair! When you truly love someone, you doing things for them, that you may not be a fan of, doesn’t seem like a chore. It’s something ou do to make the person you love happy. That’s al that matters. In a friendship, that doesn’t make sense. You do it but you harbour negative feelings about it more.

Anyway, end of rant. I do believe that Guys and Girls can JUST BE FRIENDS. But I don’t deny that as sexual human beings that we never have a moment of doubt. It just depends how we treat the moment and if we decide to make a conscious effort to be just friends.

I hope this makes sense and hey, agree or disagree, I hope you aren’t as confused about your love life as I am about mine!

Sending Love Your Way,

Broken Girl Learning to Heal

The Confusion Zone.

I am the type of girl who has always had a lot of male friends. Sometimes maybe even more male friends than female. I always liked the laidback, drama free life guys lived and always got along with them because I like being active and watching almost every sport (sorry baseball… you are 9 innings too long). Anyway, throughout my university career, I started wondering what was wrong with me. Why does it seem that all of my girlfriends have boyfriends except me? What am I doing wrong? My one buddy said, “You always friend zone a guy. Like you have so many guys in your life that it would be so intimidating to be your boyfriend.” Okay. Is this like a real thing? Are guys actually worried about that? They’re all my annoying older or younger brothers and most of them have girlfriends! Like what’s the problem?!

Going to a small Christian university also makes your circle of opportunity really small. I haven’t dated a whole lot but when you date one person, you’ve cut off like 20 options. I swear this is 100% true! But then again, guys seem to not care as much about past relationships as girls do… but either way, I was always the unlucky one in love. But here’s the thing, I may friend zone a guy here and there BUT I have been friend zoned WAY more. I have like three male friends in my life who I would date and love in an instant but I know they don’t feel that way and I don’t think they ever will… But, this past week, a mistake was made between friends and I fear things will now change.

Enter Rob*. Rob is a great guy. He’s got dark brown hair, brown eyes, a chiselled jawline, a muscular body and he play collegiate basketball. Yah, if you’ve been reading my blogs, I have a thing for athletes. Anyway, when I first saw him play, before the season even began, I thought, “hmm.. he’s cute.” My boss learned over and whispered, “Look at Rob! You’re gonna fall for him. I know it!” That was two years ago. He’s two years younger than me and I just laughed off the joke with a “in his dreams.” Fast forward through the year and we actually became friends. We studied the same program and I teased him as my “favorite little first year.” He became like a brother to my older basketball friends and always seemed to tag along to the parties he really shouldn’t have made it too. Everyone loves Rob. He’s funny, smart, kind and caring. He works with under-privileged kids and seems to always know when you need a friend. Let’s just say, I tried not to but I fell hard for this kid. I always pushed my feelings aside and stood by him during his numerous stupid little relationships. He has some growing to do, and so do I, but I always wished we would get our chance. But we had entered the dreaded FRIEND ZONE. I never knew how he felt about us until last Christmas. It was a Christmas party held at his house and we ended up very drunk talking on his bed (G Rated – get your minds out of the gutter). We talked about our dreams, fears and relationships. He started talking about how no girl ever truly liked him and how he struggled to find something real. I broke. “Oh Rob. Stop it! That’s not true! SO many girls are into you! Even I was into you! For like forever! But nothing ever came of it. I even thought we had a chance and that you were interested but I came back from my study tour and you had a girlfriend!” He turned over, “I’m sorry. I really did think we could maybe have something but I really love having you as a friend and I would hate to lose that! And I know you’d be amazing but it always seemed like something was missing for us. Like a spark was missing. I know that sounds stupid but I didn’t want to lose you if I wasn’t sure so I went for it with someone else. Seemed like the easiest way to walk away. Plus, you were gone.” This semi crushed me but also really helped me realize that at least I wasn’t crazy. At least he had thought about it too. We never really talked about that night again but I always held it in my heart.

Before I continue, do you ever feel like you hear the same fucking thing every time? The “I don’t want to lose your friendship” or “you’re too great of a friend!” WTF. Like yah, we’re great friends and great friends make great more than friends! Why is being friends stopping us? I swear if I hear one more person say, “We’re better off as friends,” I’m going to FUCKING LOSE IT. Although… I used that not to long ago too… awks…. (*more on that to come) but like why do we use this?!

Anyway, back to my original thought and point! Rob and I have only grown closer over the year. We would talk for hours about our love lives and he would always get me to approve of who ever he was seeing. We started smoking cigars together as a way to bond, talk and just let ourselves walk away from our everyday lives and breathe. I really love our cigar talks. It’s like we can somehow be more vulnerable together and when the cigars done, we’re done and we just hug it out and say, “see yah later” or “let’s head back to everyone.”

Now for the R RATED section – just a heads up.

It happened a couple of days ago. It was like any other day. I was having some friends over for drinks and a backyard fire. There was about 8-10 of us throughout the night. Rob texted me, while we were all sitting at the fire, asking if I wanted to get away for a bit for a cigar. So we met at the front steps and sat down to smoke a little cigarillos. We talked about a lot of things but like always, we ended on relationships. We both talked about how we felt lonely and couldn’t seem to shake it. That we didn’t really think a relationship was smart but we just needed someone to cuddle with. To be with in times where you’re alone. I told him I had signed up for Bumble but it seemed so weird. That it was fun to have someone to flirt with and feel less lonely but I was still missing the physical aspect. But I am WAY too chicken to ever just meet up with someone from Bumble. Although, haha, I’ve never been asked out over it so oh well!

The night continues and everyone slowly heads home or into one of my spare rooms because they definitely drank more than expected and cannot drive home. More people than I expected needed a place to sleep so Rob had to either sleep on the floor or share my queen bed. Now, I’ve never worried about him so I didn’t care and we just hopped into bed. Everything was fine. He wasn’t even close to touching me. We were saying goodnight and he moved over to cuddle a bit. I don’t think either of us saw it becoming anything more. I swear we had been laying in bed for like 30mins when I start feeling his hand creeping up on my body. He started touching my chest and massaging the one side. I didn’t do anything because I thought, maybe he’s sleeping? Man am I naïve. He keeps going and he starts to really feel me up! I can tell he’s trying to decide if he keeps going with over the bralette or under and then he starts having trouble taking it off! Haha! I was wearing a bralette with a tricky hook. I mean, its Rob! Why wear anything pretty or easy access?! Haha! Anyway, I don’t know what to do so I shift my body and somehow this sent the message that things were on! He tried to take my shirt off but couldn’t so well.. I helped him haha and since I was already taking the shirt off, the bralette was off too. We began kissing and I can honestly say, it was one of the best make outs I’ve ever had! It had a little passion and lust behind it. It was a slow progression with little tongue (which I prefer) to more passionate, almost lip biting kissing. Kissing turns to rubbing, rubbing turns to what I can best describe as bed grinding. This is followed with pulling of hair and scratching of backs. I’m trying to soak it all in while my brain also freaked out about how in the world this was happening!

Rob, I have learnt, is a very big boobs man. We changes from caressing and squeezing them to kissing, sucking and biting them. At first I’m thrown off but it becomes so erotic that my reaction of pleasure only continued my internal panic. He knows I’m a virgin and I think we both knew that was just a line that wasn’t going to be crossed. So, we start dry humping and I have never been so turned on in my life. I think I was actually close to getting myself there but, like it usually works with guys, we focus on him. SO, although I was damn close, for the FIRST FUCKING TIME, we turned over and I knew what he wanted.

Now, I hadn’t really given a blow job before and I was terrified. I told Rob, “I’ve never done it before. I don’t know what to do” And he just said it was going to be fine. Well, NO SHIT. I’m about to suck on your fucking penis. Of course things will be fine for you! I’m glad I had a couple drinks in me or I would have over analyzed the crap out of the situation. I feel like I was trying forever and but he seemed like he was so close so many freaking times! And at one point he says, “can I cum on your tits?” to which I basically choked laughed and said sure so I stopped and haha he was not happy with that and pushed my head back down. Eventually I thought my jaw was going to literally lock and bite him so I stopped and gave him a hand job to finish. Which I swear happened in like 10secs! I don’t know why but for some reason I do really well with hand jobs. He stopped me in time to get what he asked for and than it was done. We turned over and I waited a little before I started wiping myself off. He asked for a tissue too and so we both cleaned up, cuddled back up and went to sleep.

He had to leave really early in the morning so he got up, got dressed said his goodbye and left. It was only then that it hit me that I was upset he didn’t really help me out. I mean,  I sucked on your freaking dick and I get nothing in return? Oh well I guess? After I slept some more, I realized I should probably shower sooner rather than later. This is where I realized I now had my first hickies… on my breasts… like what?! And my nipples were sore… I mean he was biting them after all! I text him saying I hope he got home okay and that I now have my first hickie… but at least no one will see them and I won’t have to explain it! Haha! His response, at first a laugh and a sorry with a funny emoji followed with a “that can never happen again” text. Although totally expected, still utterly crushing. I wanted more. I had tasted more than the “friend zone” and I now wanted more but instead, I found my self in the “confusion zone.” We talked a little over text and came to the conclusion that to stay friends, which we both want, we can’t let that happen again. Of course, I wasn’t honest about how I feel but I don’t think I can. And so, now you have found me in my Confusion Land. A land where I crave for me but I’m really not in control. So, what do I do? I do what I always do. I keep the feelings to myself. I day dream about him and keep holding on to the hopes of more knowing it’ll never happen. And I internally die while I never tell a soul what happened because it changes everything.

Well. That’s it. You may understand this zone, you may not. Either way, if you’re stuck in the confusion zone, I’m sorry and I feel your pain. Loving or even just liking someone who doesn’t like you back or at least says they don’t even if they’re interested is a devasting thing and a place I know all too well. I wish you the best of luck and hope you never have to experience it!

Sending Love Your Way,

Broken Girl Learning to Heal


In my last blog I talked about getting intimate with someone. I talked about how I never thought I would get there but I never really explained why that was so shocking to me but to tell you the depth of his touch, I have to talk about one of the darkest times in my life. It’s not an easy conversation and there are things I would definitely change but this is my story.

It was the first week of university and I was so excited for what life was going to be like living on my own. I was living on a co-ed floor and was excited to meet new people and make friends that I would have for the rest of my life, or so I was told. Everyone seemed nice and I was going to a small religious university so I felt safe. The first couple of days went by quick and I was making lots of friends. My neighbors, both rooms with boys, were super kind, funny and well cute! Haha! By the end of the week, I knew everyone on my floor, all 30 of em. There was one boy, his name was Brandon*. Brandon seemed to know a lot of people who either went to the university or currently were in school. He was related to a couple of new people as well who happened to become my friends. He was a very outgoing and everyone loved him. He was funny and always in for a good time. With time, he was known as the guy to go party with.

Fast forward a week or two and my new friend Melissa* called me to her room crying. I ran over and she told me about her night. She had gone out with some other friends and was sharing a cab home with Brandon. He was trying to make moves on her but she kept making it aware she was not interested. As the made it into the elevator and to their rooms, Brandon followed her. So, Melissa walked into my RA’s room (her friend) to try to get him away but he only stayed to chat. As it got late, Melissa finally decided to go to her room and hoped Brandon wouldn’t follow but she was wrong. As she passed the common theater room he pulled her inside, shut the door and threw her on the ground. He was kissing her and she bit him trying to get him off. She said she tasted blood. He kept going. He was sitting on top of her when the door flung open, some other drunk person unknowingly looking for a place to crash. As the door open, Melissa took this as her chance to run away she did so successfully. As I sat with her, holding her and telling her everything was going to be okay, she showed me bruises on her body. Everything within me wanted to rage. As much as I believed her, she was a party girl and I didn’t quite know if she really didn’t give any mixed signals on her side but either way, no girl deserved bruises! We talked more and I tried to convince her to tell someone. She wasn’t interested and didn’t want to be “that girl.” Why do we live in a world where girls have that fear? Like come the fuck on.

This had all happened on a Wednesday night. Move forward to Saturday and there was a party happening. Most of my friends went out but my now best friend and I stayed behind to finish homework. The clock hit midnight and I had three very drunk girls enter my room with Brandon. They were too drunk to walk home alone so he brought them. I was truly grateful. They were ridiculous and funny but making a mess everywhere. As my best friend went to get more bags and buckets, I tried to get the girls to lay down. They all blacked out. Brandon was laying on my bed and he wasn’t getting up. I told him he had to leave but he insisted just a couple more minutes. I gave him my hand to help him up and he just used it to pull me onto the bed with my face conveniently facing his crotch. I moved myself up telling him it was late and he needed to go. He whispered into my ear, “Just a little longer.” As he whispered, he brushed his hand up and down my body. My whole body shivered in fear. He began touching my sides and working his way up my shirt. I have never been so shocked and frozen in fear in my life. I swear everything within me tried to scream but when I opened up my mouth, nothing came out. I could only imagine what was going to happen next and when I tried moving my body up in any way, his arms pushed me back. I started praying for anything to happen. For the girls to wake up, for my best friend to come back! For ANYTHING to happen. All the sudden someone swung my door open, someone drunk who I am beyond grateful too. In my fear, I have blanked on their face but they saved me that night. I asked them to help me carry him back to his room, down the hall from me. After I dropped him off, my brain was scrambled with so many emotions and confusion that I almost had myself I was drunk when I had even had a drop of alcohol. I got back to my room and the three girls were awake and now throwing up. My best friend and I stayed up until 5am taking care of them. The next morning I was greeted by my parents to join them for church. I just shut that night out of my brain.

A couple nights went by and I was studying with a guy I was kind of seeing. We weren’t dating yet but on our way. One of the girls from that night was with us and started joking about the night and how stupid she must have been. She asked me what happened and somehow my whole encounter with Brandon came out! It’s like I had no control over my words and my head and heart needed to get it out. Jim*, my later boyfriend, was an RA as well and so as much as he had promised to not tell anyone, he did. He was so upset and it was, unfortunately, his job to tell. This marked the beginning of the worst two weeks of my life. I had to retell my story almost every day, with as much detail as possible, to prove that it indeed did happen. I was told I couldn’t speak about it to anyone and that they still had to decide who was in the wrong. Each meeting left me crying and walking back and forth between my dorm and the student dean’s office. I could only meet with men and I couldn’t bring anyone with me. Here are the questions that still haunt and enrage me:

“Are you sure he did this?”

“One case is bad. Two cases is enough to do something about it. Three cases is confusing.” *thats right. There were three claims in five days against him! And this made things confusing? WTF

“What would YOU like us to do? It’s really YOUR decision.”

And my favorite:

“If you could have a magic wand for this situation, what would you do?” To which I answered, “This wouldn’t have happened if I had a wand.” His response? “Oh. That’s a good answer. Besides that, what would you do?”

YUP. That was my week ladies and gentlemen. I told them I didn’t want my parents to know but they said they would tell my parents if I didn’t. I was 18 and legally an adult but I was dumb enough to believe them. I stopped going to classes and I stopped eating so I went home and confided in my parents. Unfortunately, their anger was not channeled in the best way and was taken out on me. “Why didn’t you do anything?! Why aren’t you doing anything?!” You could say I mentally shut down at this point.

Life sucked but I became the token girl for all of us. Even though I didn’t know who the other girls were. Brandon was supposed to be kicked out of residence but since no one could “know,” he came into my room one day and laid on top of me to which I tried to remain cool and tell him to leave. He finally left and my roommate closed the door behind him, pulled up a chair and said, “So what happened between you two? I heard you made some claims. Do you even know what sexual assault is?” Let’s just say, we never became real friends after this point. After this encounter, I told two close guy friends who promised they would look out for me. Funny enough, I was laying on one of their beds and was chatting about school when Brandon walked in and laid on top of me. My guy friend looked him straight in the eyes and said, “What the hell are you doing?” “Nothing. It’s just Abby. We’re good. Right, Abby?” “Um, I’d actually rather if you get off.” “Oh, she’s just kidding.” At this point, my friend gets up and says, “You can either get up and walk out of my room RIGHT now or I will make you.” Brandon was gone in a flash. My friends locked the door and started asking if I was okay. We began talking about how he was even in the dorms and how this was all happening! Melissa had begun drinking and smoking and was not coping properly and she actually left the school after the first semester. She was a great girl and it was so sad to see her leave.

It took months before Brandon finally left. It actually came down to his decision. They let him decide between continuing his education but getting counseling and living off campus or leaving the university for 1 year before ever returning. He picked the second choice. No punishment. No record. No one knew. I thought it was over with and I could be okay but one day I was walking down the hallway and a girl walked up to me and said, “You’re that girl who got Brandon kicked out because he kissed you and you didn’t like it.” I told her it was none of her business and ran to my room crying. Four years later and I’m still learning how to cope and heal. Innocent touches are still hard for me. Even with males who I see as my brothers, when they hug me and touch a certain spot on my side, everything in me cringes. It’s like I have no control and the fear is still deeply embedded. That’s why my encounter with Dan is so shocking to me and a touch that I often crave. A touch that actually feels safe.

I know I’m not the only one but for a long time, I wasn’t grateful for the feeling of safety. If you feel safe and secure with someone, be grateful for that. For some people in this world, including myself, touch is still hard. Touch is scary and vulnerable. Even if it’s not meant to be intimate.

It’s through this pain that I have found friends I now call family. It’s through this pain that I have walked this path with many other girls because I’ve opened up about my past. It’s because of this pain that I am now much stronger than I ever thought I could be. In our pain and suffering, we often find ourselves. I’m not gonna lie, some days were bad. They were scary and depressing. But every day is a new day and every day is a chance to begin a better day. If you’ve been hurt or experienced a deep pain, don’t walk that road alone. I am more than lucky and blessed to have only been touched but I know that even a touch can change the way you see the world. Don’t hold back on getting help and no you are never alone. I believe you. Those are the words I yearned for and they are the words I tell you. I believe you.

Every guy is a new adventure and every touch is another wall breaking down. It may take awhile for me to feel 100% safe but that’s my journey. Until next time.

Sending Love Your Way,

Broken Girl Learning to Heal

Old Flames

I’m sure I’m not the only girl out there who has held onto an old flame much MUCH longer than needed… and this one… this one’s a doozy! Dan* and I have known each other for 4 years and somehow always seem to balance on the fling/friends fence. It’s funny, I knew at some point I’d have to write about him but he JUST left my house so it’s obviously running through my brain right now. So, to maybe get some closure and perspective, here is the story of Dan and I. The flame that never seems to die.

Dan and I met in my first year of university. He always caught my eye but it was funny, he’s the complete opposite of my type. Don’t get me wrong, he’s a great guy. He’s funny, smart, outgoing and somehow 100% himself. I think that’s what I liked. He was confident but not arrogant. He was an amazing athlete but humble about it, even to this day. He has beach blonde hair with cloudy blue eyes and a smile that somehow only perks up on one side of his mouth. His laugh is a chuckle but one that’s kinda innocent and cute. But here’s the thing, Dan is almost the black sheep of his family. Both his brothers are perfect children who lived arguably vanilla lives, were amazing all star athletes, found love and got married quickly and now live pretty average lives. Everyone loves them! Dan, Dan had to break the mold. When you look him deep in the eyes you can see his rebellion just slowly sparkling. It’s like he just can’t help but be a little different. Be a little mischevious.

Dan and I shared classes and he was a year older than me. He was the guy that you knew had great potential but he kinda let himself be the classic university procrastinator. Which, I mean, we all let ourselves be sometimes. He dressed between a hipster and a wanna be but it was always him so you knew it was genuine and he always made an effort to be present with you. Even if he didn’t really know you. That’s what I always liked about him and what still draws me in. He says sorry if he checks his phone while talking or if he gets distracted and looks away.

Anyway, Dan always seemed to either be in a relationship or fooling around but when he was in a relationship, he seemed pretty loyal. At least from what I knew! He was one of those, ‘yah I would like him if I could’ or ‘he has potential’ kinda guy. The first glimpse I got of anything was in my second year. We started to chat and have mutual friends and just kinda notice each other but I was always the good girl and not really there. We became friends and would talk over homework and coffee and one day, after Winter Break, I asked the question you should never ask, “How are you and Amy* doing?” Well.. They broke up over the break. I felt terrible. I honestly wasn’t thinking anything would ever happen between us and I’m not really sure how it all faded into something more. I think it all started the summer I decided to live in Edmonton instead of going home. We both decided to stay through the summer and not move back home and were living about five houses down from each other. He sent me a message and asked if I wanted to hang out since his roommates were all heading in early. My roommate was gone for the night so I said sure. Innocent me thought absolutely nothing of it.. ha! He came over with a wine bottle and two glasses. We shared the bottle and chatted for a couple hours and he left. That was probably weird for him. Nothing happened at all! But my interest was now peaked. From that point on, messages were sent most days but eventually, things fizzled out to which I assume was because I wasn’t too bright or into things very physical.

Third year comes and goes and we flirt at random parties and talk every now and then but nothing really happens. He has his random flings here and there and even goes for a girl and has a thing for awhile but eventually, they fade out too. I liked her. She knew of my interest but was much bolder than I and so I lost. Anyway, summer comes and again we both stay in the city. Summer = summer fling right?  We keep in touch and that fated night arrives. It’s a party and I’ve had more than my fair share. I’m shamelessly flirting and I’ve got my going out outfit on (aka showing more skin than normal). We get to the bar and were with a group of 15 dancing and drinking. Next thing I know were two-stepping to an R&B song, like what?! He get’s me to the opposite side of the dance floor and next thing I know were kissing! KISSING! This makes him the official first kiss! And official make out! We continue to dance and kiss and I can’t imagine anything more amazing and then he asks the dreaded question, “Do you wanna go home?” Naturally, I panicked and say, “I gotta check on the birthday girl first!” And what do you know, she’s VERY sick and has to be taken home ASAP. I tell him I’m sorry and that I have to take her home. I think he took this as a rejection and this put us back for a long time. I think I once texted him about it but he just passed it off. It sucked but what could you do? I still held on to him though. Let myself believe it would one day happen again.

Months went by and he still hadn’t responded so I let it go. But then a party came up to which I had decided to sit out of while everyone else seemed to get absolutely smashed. I was dropping someone off at the campus dorms when I see a horde of students run across the street! The cops came to shut down the party and everyone was running away and hiding inside the dorms. I see my buddies run towards me and one asks that I drive them home. But he’s in a drunken stupor and asks me to help him get all his roommates home. 7 trips. 7 trips I made back and forth between the campus and my house (about a 7min drive one way). About trip 5 I see Dan trying to bike home and he runs into a parked car! I laugh hysterically with my sober roommate sitting in the passenger’s seat. She looks at me and says, “Oh no. That’s Dan. Should we take him home?” I nod yes and work to get him in my car. We’re driving him back with some others and he won’t get out of my car. I’m getting phone calls pleading to bring McDonald’s back to the house so Dan comes with us. After ordering food, I get a tearful call for a pick up to Dan’s house so we decide to go back to the campus. We’re parked and waiting but Dan is now sick from all the driving so I get out with him as my roommate calls the dumb idiot who called and is nowhere to be found. I walk over to Dan who’s now swaying after throwing up all over the ground. I try to hold him steady and he pushes off my hands saying, “You can’t see this! Go away!” I laugh at him and tell him to sit down. He agrees only if I join him. We sit and he says, “You know, you’re pretty chill. And like I like you. I know I didn’t respond to your last text and that was pretty mean. I really should have but I didn’t know what to do. I just want things to be chill between us. I guess that’s all I can say. Oh, well I really wanna kiss you right now but I just puked so I guess I’ll hold off on that.” I laughed, thanked him for not kissing me and let him continue hugging/stroking my head with his semi puked on hands. I decide we should just leave the idiot behind since he still had not answered a phone call, and we drive back to the house with Dan. I’m dropping him off at his house but he doesn’t wanna get out of the car. He asks my roommate to take the food inside and the minute she leaves the car, he jumps from my back seat to kiss me. I push him off laughing telling him I am not kissing him. He gets hurts by that so I say it’s because he’s covered in puke. He tells me, “Just please come inside with me. We can just cuddle. I’ll clean up and we can just spend time together. Get Maddie to drive home and you stay here. Please! PLEASE!” I laugh and ultimately turn him down. I give him a kiss goodbye so he’ll leave my car and Maddie gets back with his roommates to get him out. I laugh telling her what had happened as we do our last pickup. Funny enough, I drop the next person off at Dan’s again and he is restrained in the house so that he doesn’t run into my car. The next morning, I ask him about his night and he says I can’t remember anything. I ask about him asking me to stay and he apologizes. I chose to believe him forgetting but have always thought he may have just lied.

More months go by and we both pretend that didn’t happen since he “blacked out” but then, one night I’m home in the living room alone watching Netflix while my roommates are all just in their rooms. It’s a week night so I’m not expecting anything crazy. Dan snaps me and asks if I wanna come over to his house for a little party but it’s all boys on his team and I say I’d rather just watch my show. Next thing I know, he’s sending pictures of him walking across the field towards my house! *We now live about 3min walk away from each other. He opens the door and quietly whispers, “hello?” He joins me on the couch and we have a little chat. He starts with the simple, can I join you? We cuddle and watch HIMYM. Then he turns, “Fuck it. I think we both know there’s interest on both sides. We both find each other attractive, I think you’re chill and I do like you. I just don’t think I can be what you want. I can’t promise anything. If you’re okay with just being chill together with no real expectations, then I’m down for that.” Going against everything I was raised to believe I say, “Dan. I feel the same way. I don’t know what the next chapter of my life is and I don’t expect anything more. We have fun together and I like that and I’m okay with seeing where this goes. Even if that’s nowhere.” He lets that sink in. We continue watching HIMYM. He turns again, “Fuck it!” He turns into me and we start kissing. It’s slow but it’s passionate. It slowly progresses from a soft ocean breeze to tumbling waves. Somehow our shirts are off and he’s throwing me around on the love seat slowly moving his hands up and down my body. It’s like I was out of my body as we pull on each others hair and I scratch his back. He whispers, “Do you want to do more?” I seize up in fear and say, “I’m not ready to go that far. Can we keep doing this?”

Poor Dan. I had a sports bra on and really wasn’t ready to fool around even understand the concept of what happened past kissing! He whispers, “Do you want me to cum for you?” I giggle. “Do I want you to what?!” He says it again. I say, “Um, do whatever you want?” LOL oops. Needless to say, I was christened with my first ever handjob to which I didn’t even know if I was doing right or if it was any good. I have know learned hat completion signifies success and that I was indeed good at it. Again, LOL! We kiss a couple more times and we clean ourselves up. We cuddle and finish another episode of HIMYM before he leaves. Funny enough, the minute he left all my roommates texted me asking who was in the house and what happened. I lied and said we just cuddled… haha!

Fast forward a couple days later and I realize I can’t be this girl who fools around and maybe even has sex without some sort of exclusivity. I knew what kind of boy he was and I was terrified to be just another notch in his belt so I text him. This may have been the worst thing I could have done but I had to be true to myself. It spiraled out and he said we were better off with friends and that doing anything wouldn’t be smart because feelings would be involved. I was heart broken. I was mad at myself for a long time before I realized it was okay. That sometimes we let our passions and physical nature over take us and I was still me. I stood up for myself and now I just have to move forward being okay with myself. Still loving myself.

Months went by and nothing really happened. We both avoided each other and pretended it never happened. I thought he’d never share his side with anyone but I later learned he drunkenly spilled the beans to his roommates who had to ask me about my uh.. techniques. His roommates, in their defense, are some of my closest friends so I’m surprised how long they went without asking me about it! I guess handjobs aren’t normally so successful when you’re doing the real thing? Embarrassing but flattering at the same time. Graduation is soon arriving and I realize maybe I made a mistake. I want to be with him SO bad. It’s like this thing where you know he’s the bad boy and you really shouldn’t go for it but I can’t help it! Everything in me screams Dan. The year end athletic party approaches and I build up the courage to talk to him. We’ve been talking on and off and I am only newly single from a two-month boyfriend. That boyfriend followed me around like a lost puppy and definitely did not help the situation. Dan and I meet in a washroom to talk and I tell him I want to try things again. I want a potential ‘friends with benefits’ agreement and that this time, if feelings happen, it’s my problem to deal with. He says he can’t do that to me. That I deserve better and that he knows I’m a virgin and that he can’t be the guy who takes that away. That my ex-boyfriend doesn’t deserve that either and makes it awkward. That he can’t commit to anyone right now and that’s not fair to me. That he can’t be with any girl right now. And lastly, that I look really good and that he’s trying to focus on my face but he’s tipsy and he’s sorry if he has been staring elsewhere. I laugh and agree that I guess things should stay the same but before I can argue for me, someone knocks on the door and our talk is done. I go home and I feel crushed. I put myself out there and it just didn’t work out. I mean, it was probably for the best but I was devasted.

After graduation, I would learn that he has a new girl in his life. They’re having a fling and I begin to become so self-conscious. What’s wrong with me? Why her and not me? I try to leave him in m past and move on into my post-university life.

You are now caught up to today. Two months later. He’s in town for a wedding and messages me. We decided we should hang out and catch up. Takes a little time to work itself out but we meet at my new place. He comes over and we talk. JUST TALK for 3 hours! What the heck does that mean? No kissing. No cuddling. Just talking. It was actually really nice. It’s like I realized what I was missing all over again! I thought I was over it. I thought he was part of my part but I realize we have so many mutual friends that we are bound to hang out again. I even made efforts for us to hang more while he’s still in town! A part of me wants to let it go and try to only see him as a friend. The other half of me really wants to try again. Really wants him. And so, I sit here, realizing I have rambled for quite awhile and still am confused about my feelings.

Dan has always made me feel safe in a way no one else has. He has made me feel comfortable about touch when it’s something that has always and still scares me. Somehow Dan has made a place in my heart that I don’t know how to let go. Maybe I will have to always wonder about him. So, I guess I’ve landed on continuing on seeing where our relationship goes. I don’t want to lose that sense of safety or honesty that we have between each other. He really is a great guy and I don’t want to lose that so I guess he’ll always my ‘what if’ flame. My ‘if only’ flame.

So, I guess this post is for all of you out there who have an old flame you just can’t seem to let go of. A person you should probably let go of but just can’t seem too. I stand in solidarity with you and wish you the best because, DAMN, it’s hard to walk away.

Sending Love Your Way,

Broken Girl Learning to Heal


When Love is Confusing

So I have this friend who I’ve been close with for years. 4 years to be exact. We’ve had our moments and I’ve definitely been confused about our relationship more than once. It’s funny, sometimes I think and call him my best friend and sometimes I call him a stranger. It’s always been weird because I know, deep down, that I love him. But love in a way of truly caring for someone, not love in an affectionate wanna marry you way. Well, sometimes I get confused.. hence this! So, I’m gonna unpack this friendship/relationship a little and maybe either I’ll get a little less confused after writing this or maybe you’ll just figure it out for me and tell me haha! Anyway, here we go!

Austin* and I met in university. We both shared the same classes and kept running into each other. He was an athlete and I worked for athletics. As we got to know each other we easily bonded and within the first two months, we became best friends. Now, this term goes back and forth all the time. I started dating someone and unfortunately, it didn’t work out. It wasn’t a healthy relationship either and I came out pretty damaged. Honestly, four years later, I’m still trying to heal and accept things from it. Anyway, I started spending more and more time with him and his friends and the line began getting really fuzzy. I thought, man, everything lines up so great! We get along, he’s funny and smart, our backgrounds are so similar and hey, he’s pretty cute so I mean, why not? So, soon this got out and I realized it was between him hearing from someone else or me just being upfront so I decided to just do it. So, one night I got up the courage and looked at him and said, “Hey Austin, I know this sounds weird but I think I kinda like you. I’m really confused about things and I thought I should just get it off my chest and ask if you at all, in any way, feel the same? If you don’t, that’s totally okay! I just had to know so I knew how to move forward.” He just looked back at me with a completely shocked blank face. Fair. He kinda chuckled and said, “I can’t believe you just asked me that. I respect that. I’m sorry Abby but I just don’t feel that way… I think we’re better off as friends.” Now, in his defense, we had only known each other for 6 months and we both just got out of relationships. So, a little devastated, I tried to move on while still growing in our friendship. Nothing seemed weird until that summer

Summer meant going home and making as much money as possible for school. We both lived in different towns so we tried to texts as much as possible. He had a crazy mill job where he worked ridiculous hours so we would talk late at night. He’s a workaholic so he decided to only take 3 days off the ENTIRE summer. Two for his sister’s wedding and one to come visit me and my family. I thought it wouldn’t be a big deal but we spent the whole day, just the two of us, walking around, him buying me drinks and lunch and at the end, meeting my parents and other relatives. He stayed and talked with my crazy family for like 2 hours! Like, that really wasn’t necessary. We hugged goodbye and went on with our summer. Later, near the end of the summer, he got one more day off and we decided to get a group together for a beach day.

Cue beginning of school. I started moving in and he saw me trying to move furniture back into the dorms and immediately ran over calling his rookies with him. Instead of going to practice on time, four boys came over to help me move all my stuff in! I know, I felt pretty freaking lucky. Made me think I was in some movie or something 😛 Anyway, as he left for practice he told me we had to meet later that night because we wanted to talk in private. So we meet that night and I am trying to tell myself not to get excited! I walk down and he’s waiting for me smiling. I say, “That’s a big grin you got there Austin. Are you going to tell me what’s going on?” He laughs. “Yah. It’s actually about a girl.” *Internally I am DYING* “Her names Ashley*!” He begins talking about her and their messages and asking her out and all these things and I swear it was like everything drowned out and I tried everything to keep a smile on my face and be happy for him. I mean, I was happy for him! I just somehow thought maybe that girl would be me.

This has always been part of my friendship with Austin. He confides in me. We talk about God, love, marriage, our future, our fears, our hopes and our dreams and we share secrets no one else knows and somehow, he still walks away to someone else and I’m just on call. I know, maybe I am just setting myself up but at the same time, he’s my best friend and that;s what best friends do, right?

Next comes Rebecca*. Rebecca was a girl who for a very long time I thought was my best friend but really is just an acquaintance who used me… a lot… for 3 years to be exact. You see, I’m learning the art of not being a door mat. More to come on this. Anyway, Rebecca is every guy’s dream girl. She’s GORGEOUS and I mean GORGEOUS. Every guy thinks she’s a 12/10. She’s funny, smart, pretty goal orientated and an athlete so super fit with all the right curves in all the right places. She was constantly chased by every boy and she loved every second of it. She was always happy and liked all the attention. With time, sadly, some bad relationships made her a pretty skeptical and bitter girl. With time, she became a girl I didn’t even recognize but one that still knew she could get anything she wanted and easily did it all the time.

Austin was in love the minute he saw her and I knew it. It killed me but I couldn’t do anything about it. She knew how I felt and how things didn’t work out and how I was always confused so I guess she tried not to go for him but in classic Rebecca fashion, what Rebecca wants, she gets! She tried to hold him off with bogus reasons as to why it would never work but one day she told him I was standing in their way. So, Austin came to me one night and said, “Are we okay Abby? Like do we need to talk about anything? Do you know what’s going on with Rebecca because she says you’re standing in the way and I thought you’d be supporting this?” CRUSHED. How the fuck do you respond to that?! So, I tell him no I’m not in the way. That she’s being classic ridiculous her and that she’s making up excuses because I do not care and was on his side! I told him, I don’t care if you’re together! I just don’t want to be lied to! He knew I had trust issues and that I deserved better and I thought we understood each other but little did I know they were together for months, leaving me behind to see each other in private.

With time Austin and I grew apart as did Rebecca and I and I just let myself forgive them because well, I’m stupid. These two tried things three times! Including a time with my other best friend who’s a whole other story but the main point is the third attempt. This third attempt was the real deal! It was a “this is our last shot and you better be in it for the long haul,” kinda thing. He was ALL IN and she was, well she tried to be that. Surprisingly I had a couple moments of true hope for them and I truly hoped and prayed that for his sake, it worked because I knew it would break him but sure enough, it didn’t last. But,

Now, like I mentioned before, we are BEST FRIENDS when he’s single but when he’s in relationships, we’re friends at best. If it’s Rebecca, I may as well have never known him because I’m never gonna see or talk to him. So, when they broke up, guess where he came running? Yup. To me. And of course, I embraced him because he’s my best friend and I know that when you’re in love, you kinda have no control sometimes and he is useless when it comes to a women’s opinion.

So, now you’re almost up to date. As he’s been healing, I’ve been trying to show him a world where Rebecca doesn’t exist. Where “hanging with the boys” is allowed and getting to play golf or any activity he likes is just as important as whatever she wants to do! We spend most weekends together now and at first, I thought nothing of it. I’m just helping a friend through a terrible break up which really encompasses a 2.5 year relationship. But lately, we’ve been having conversations that make me rethink everything! Conversations like my first year all over again. Love, loss, our hopes and dreams, religion and how we see God working in relationships. About how things have changed and what we want now. About past relationships and about pain. But this time, he’s being more loving and caring. He’s paying for me. He’s messaging me all the time and he’s pretty much treating me as a girlfriend while making jokes that we should just cuddle because we have no one else. That we fit perfectly in so many areas that a life together would actually be pretty good. And I swear he said, “Abby, I have always respected you for that one time you told me you liked me and I turned you down and we still stayed friends. And that you’ve always stood by me. I’m sorry. You know, things really could have worked out for us. More than once too but timing has always just been off.” EXCUSE ME?! WHY?!

Now, this has always been my internal battle and the last 2.5 years that he’s been with Rebecca I’ve told myself I would never fall for him again because it has been too painful and I really think I could stay true to this but then a day like today happens. We have a 2hr drive ahead of us and we talk about literally everything. We cover topics of kids to sex to money to careers to love and heart break. I have never had a more honest and open conversation. We both thought we would be married and having kids by now and we both wanted the same life and deep down, still want it… It’s crazy how much everything lays out. But what killed me today was, we had our annual beach day with friends (which I mentioned the first every beach day earlier) and someone asked me if Austin was a good kisser to which I said, “EXCUSE ME? I’ve never kissed him before!” Which everyone kinda chuckled at and said, “Oh right, you two haven’t. Too bad.” Now, we’re driving in the car and randomly he says, “you know how they asked if we’ve kissed? The weird thing is last night I had a dream that we made out… and it was like pretty good.. I mean it was really good.. haha isn’t that weird?” WTF?! How do you answer that? I just laughed and we kinda brushed over it. Why is he dreaming this? Am I crazy? He used to always say he never had feelings for me but I feel like it’s a lie that he’s never been interested. Either way, I now find myself confused about the one person I knew for sure was never a possibility.

Why is that? Why is love so confusing? How can brotherly love turn into more? How can a person who used to repulse you now make you question things? The funny thing is, I can see myself being happy with him and living a good life but I would still feel like something was missing or that I was his second/third/fourth/definitely not his first choice and I feel like every person deserves that… am I right? Anyway, maybe I’ve built this up and I’ve really condensed a lot of things but I truly believe that nothing in this world is more fucking confusing that love because my life is constant confusion.

Okay, I think I’m done. Still confused but hey, maybe someone out there gets what I’m saying. I hope not the same way as me because frick, it’s been annoying.

Until next time!

Sending Love Your Way,

Broken Girl Learning to Heal

*Names have been changed

What Now?

So I’m sitting here thinking, I’ve made this blog I’ve only ever dreamed about and now what? What do I write about next? And it’s funny. I hate this question. I didn’t always hate it but recently, it comes up a lot in my life. You see, I’m a recent University grad and well, life didn’t exactly play out as I thought it would.

I was raised in a home where life just happens. You don’t have to do a lot besides be a good Christian girl, go to church, love Jesus, find a man, marry him and have kids. Easy right? WRONG! You see I always thought I would find the love of my life in high school. We’d be high school sweethearts who went to the same college or university, grow together, learn what love was really all about and be married once we finished school. He would get a job and support the family while I, who would happily continue working as a successful anything, would stay at home with our kids. Now, I am a very career orientated woman so saying that kind of makes me shiver but at the same time, I know I would be happy staying at home with the kids.

Add four years of university and nothing. No husband. No fiance. No freaking man in my life! How did this happen? Sure, I lived a good social life and have lots of friends but how am I the odd girl out? How did my perfect plan fail? Oh yeah. It’s not a perfect plan. You don’t get to just dream up a situation and it comes to fruition, or at least my life has taught me that. I mean, I wasn’t like chasing after boys and most the time I would say “I’m not really looking for anyone.” Which, even if you say this, you kinda are. Don’t let anyone fool you with that. Also, the whole “you find them when you’re not looking” thing, Fuck that! No way are you truly NEVER looking for someone. Sure you may not be actively pursuing someone but come on?

Anyway, keeping all that in mind, what now? What fucking now? I thought life would be a lot different than it is. I may ask myself this question often but it doesn’t help when everyone and their dog also asks this question. “So, what now? Any plans?” or “How is a good looking and smart girl like you single? What now?” This is my life. This is almost my daily life. But you know, I’ve learned that being put together doesn’t mean being perfect. I thought after school my life would be in order and all put together but here I am, sitting in my living room, avoiding responsibilities and the fact that I am indeed very single. And yet, I’m happy. I’m healthy. I have great friends and family who love me and I’ve got lots of time ahead of me so what’s the worry? What’s the rush?

So, if you’re like me and this post, which is a bit disjointed, a bit confusing and a bit rambly, welcome to the land of the unknown. But don’t dismay! It’s really not the end of the world! Even if your mom is really getting worried about it…

Sending Love Your Way,

Broken Girl Learning to Heal