I’ve decided to tell you the story of my purity ring. A ring, which after 9 years, still rests on my right index finger. Funny enough, it all starts with a course with some title including “Frogs and Princes.” For the life of me I can’t remember who the author was or what the proper name was but it was some famous marriage counsellor. Sorry, let’s back up even more. I was born and raised in a missionary/pastors home and when I entered my early tweens, my parents worse nightmare began. How to deal with boys. Now, as an only child, you can only imagine the weird ways they tried to example things… They had no one to practice on so things often came out as, “If you do drugs, no matter the type, you will die! But like, in college sometimes you experient and that’s okay… But that was in my day and age. It is not cool to do drugs. But it is your choice… But you live in this house and while you live under this roof, you will never touch or do drugs!” Like what? I mean, you get the gist.
So, I’ve turned 13 and now is the dreaded sex talk… But instead of being maybe normal parents, they decided to make the whole night into a “girls youth night” about saving yourself for marriage. Now this course, by the forgotten famous counsellor, talked about putting value on sex. He talked about how scaring children wasn’t the answer because that takes away the point of sex and only leads to well articles like “I waited and wish I didn’t” to which I could write a whole different blog critiquing that! But back to the point, he said that often we focus so much on sex that we forget that its a gradual movement towards it. That girls need to learn the value of each step taken before sex may even happen (by sex he meant penetrative.. I hate that word but seems most correct?). His point was that we make sex so big and scary that we forget about little things that move us there. So, as an example, he made a deal with his daughter for X amount of money to NOT kiss a boy before high school graduation, before college graduation and before their wedding day. Now, the last two seem a bit extreme but I mean, my cousins had their first kiss on their wedding day so who am I to judge?
Since this was a “girls night youth” event course thing, my parents decided to make the deal with me in front of others to make a point. The point being that its not that I’m not allowed to kiss anyone, its just is it worth it? Is that boy, whoever he is, worth my time and love. So we made a deal, if I could make it through high school without losing my first kiss, I would get $5000. Easy right? WRONG!
Before I continue with the $5000 deal, that same time I made that deal, I also signed a contract with my parents that I had decided to save my virginity for my future husband. At the time, it seemed like such an easy answer! Who wouldn’t want to have their first time with their future husband? How cute is it if you only ever slept with your spouse? So at the age of 13 I got my purity ring (which funny enough I lost the first one after 2 years, boating accident…oops! But I now wear the second ever purity ring and have never gone a full day without wearing). Back to the money…
Sure, you may look back and think, I didn’t kiss anyone. I would have made easy money! While others would think, dude thats lame? Nothing wrong with a kiss? Its innocent! But here’s the thing. Its not always innocent. Sure when you’re young it seems so pure but then again, kissing is only the first step, maybe not even the technical first step, towards sex. I made it through high school fairly easily with no problems but I always had a fear that if I did date in high school, why would he stay with me if I wouldn’t kiss him! But think about that… Why should a kiss be a reason you stay in a relationship? Now lets turn that up a notch. Why should sex be a reason you stay in a relationship? Why should sex be a reason someone would or wouldn’t date you?
So I had what I like to call a “thing” because I don’t really think high school dating can really count when you really don’t know what it really means or how to act in a relationship. Anyway, I was with this guy *John (in Grade 11) and falling fast! But he, like most boys his age, wanted to kiss and makeout and really probably sex too. I remember him saying, “I want you to be my girlfriend? If you kiss me, I know we’re dating.” IF YOU KISS ME, I KNOW WE’RE DATING?! WTF?! He was well aware of my deal. Frogs and Prince dude is a genius because here I am, sitting across from who I think is the love of my life and he basically says kiss me and be my girl or make $5000 in 2 months. What do you think I did?
Well, 2 months later, I had $5000 cash. That’s right John, you little dink, I made money because I realized that my kiss, my body, well just that I deserved better than some boy who just wanted a kiss. That I was worth more than $5000. That I was worth respect and love not lust. But man, that decision was not easy. I may have turned him down but I definitely had a couple sleepless nights and long cries over John.
So when I went to University, I got nervous. It was like, I’m this naive girl who knows nothing and have entered the “Freshman Frenzy,” as I like to call it. Everyone is hormonal and excited to see attractive new people who can just do as they please since we no longer “live under my (insert parent name) roof!” I was so nervous that I was almost embarrassed that I still wore a purity ring. But here’s the thing, maybe even if I did decide to wait until marriage, that was a decision I made at 13. A decision I am still allowed to question and ultimately make when I want. And although I often waiver in my thoughts of truly waiting until marriage or waiting until I find someone I see my future with or someone I love, I know that even if I wait longer than the average, I did it because I know I’m worth it. I did it because I’m worth more than $5000. That whoever sees me at my most vulnerable wants to be part of that for me, not just my body or a quick one night stand.
I mean, do I think sex before marriage is wrong? I don’t know. I don’t really think so. I think it’s honestly a preference thing at this point… As a Christian it’s honestly hard to know where the line is because you see other “strong” Christians (whatever that means) make decisions that contradict what you’ve been raised to believe and you begin testing the waters yourself. Even find yourself pushing your boundaries. Do I have the answer to sex? NO. Do I know if I am waiting for marriage? NO. But I know that when the time comes, I’ll be happy with whatever choice I make. *Look for a future blog about sex before marriage because it’s definitely gonna happen
Anyway, in today’s day and age its hard to admit to people that the ring I wear on my hand is indeed a purity ring. That I have saved myself and that I am truly still trying to save that piece for someone important. I may waiver in my decision often and question if I should just be like the cool kids and “get it over with” but my first kiss was stolen from me and that’s the last thing I would want with my virginity. So, at the end of the day, people may see me as a prude or some Jesus freak but either way, I respect myself and love myself at the end of the day and that’s really all that matters.
So, if you are part of the “waiting until XXX,” I salute you in your journey and admit to you that it is not an easy road to take. Holy Frick is it hard sometimes. Christian girls are also horny people! We are not prudes! We just, you know, don’t talk about it because apparently that’s the proper thing to do! You’ll soon see Imma break that wall down and be quite open about sex! Haha!
Sending Love Your Way,
Broken Girl Learning to Heal
*name has been changed