Yearning for More.

Before I begin, I’m sorry for not writing sooner! Life seems to run in cycles of happiness and bliss to stress and anxiety. Since life is now settling down, I have had a lot of time to just think about different things. Lately my life has been focused on trying to keep perspective. Trying to remember that there are no “winners” or “losers” in the marathon that is life.

Let’s set the scene. I am a 22 year old university graduate starting her life in the full-time salary world. I realize I am beyond blessed and privileged to be in this position! Now, as mentioned before, I have always been a part of the Christian community when it comes to all of my academics. This unfortunately means I am surrounded by young couples who are born into the thought of getting married quite young. I can tell you that right now about 90% of my close friends are either in a long term relationship upwards of 3 years, engaged or married. Yes. Married. At 20-22! So, how does this make me feel? It makes me feel like a LOSER. Like I am 1000 yards behind everyone else in life. I feel like a spinster and I am only fucking 22! How is this my life?

But here’s the thing. Although all my friends make me feel like I’m missing something and that I’m behind, I realize I actually yearn for more than just “my person.” I’m yearning for the understanding of what it means to be me. Whether that be with someone or without! Often people say they find the person who “completes” them and I do believe that someone out there does make you feel more you BUT at the same time, everyone says, “You’ll find your person when you’re not looking.” Well, FUCK YOU to anyone who has said that. FUCK YOU if you can really tell me you 100% in no way were looking for someone in anyway! Sure, looking for someone may not have been your first thought BUT you definitely had it chilling somewhere in the back of your mind. If not, message me because I just don’t get it. Of course I’ve had times where a relationship was the LAST thing on my mind but it was still there!

I honestly believe that at the root of who we are, as humans, is to seek community. For example, how many people in your circle of friends and family have a fear of being alone? Or a fear of missing out? Or a fear of dying alone? I bet you a large majority of them have one of these fears and are scared shitless of them! I don’t like to think about it but yah, I’m afraid to die alone. I’ve always thought that falling in love and living life with a partner in life is a large part of life in general! That living life to the fullest is to lose yourself in someone else. So if you die before you get that chance than yah, you missed out on something pretty amazing!

Sure, I’m a young woman who was created with many physical desires that make life a struggle at times but what I seek is so much more than just a physical spark or attraction! I yearn for someone who wants to know every piece of me, even if I don’t want to share it. I yearn for someone who sees the good in the bad that happens and that supports me even when they know I’m wrong. I yearn for someone who can be 100% truthful and honest with me, even if that means I get hurt or disappointed. I yearn for a love that’s based on friendship and companionship. I yearn for someone who makes me feel loved by simply sitting in the same room as me, no words needed.

Simply put, I’m waiting and it sucks. But, I know that the more I wait, the more I know what I want! The more I figure out what I deserve and what I can really give to another person.

My greatest fear is to settle. By settle I really mean settle in anything in life. Settle in friendships. Settle in my work life. Settle in my future marriage. I yearn for more because I know it’s possible. So I guess what I’m saying is yearn for more! Make mistakes. Fall in love and walk away if you need. Learn what you deserve and strive for it! And most importantly, don’t settle! If I can brush off everyone telling me to date this person or go for that person, you can do it too! And I’m telling you, some of the offers aren’t easy “no’s.” But I believe in you! Because you deserve more!

Yah, I know this was pretty soft but I’m feeling pretty soft today!

Anyway, Sending Love Your Way!

Broken Girl Learning to Heal

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Frogs and Princes

I’ve decided to tell you the story of my purity ring. A ring, which after 9 years, still rests on my right index finger. Funny enough, it all starts with a course with some title including “Frogs and Princes.” For the life of me I can’t remember who the author was or what the proper name was but it was some famous marriage counsellor. Sorry, let’s back up even more. I was born and raised in a missionary/pastors home and when I entered my early tweens, my parents worse nightmare began. How to deal with boys. Now, as an only child, you can only imagine the weird ways they tried to example things… They had no one to practice on so things often came out as, “If you do drugs, no matter the type, you will die! But like, in college sometimes you experient and that’s okay… But that was in my day and age. It is not cool to do drugs. But it is your choice… But you live in this house and while you live under this roof, you will never touch or do drugs!” Like what? I mean, you get the gist.

So, I’ve turned 13 and now is the dreaded sex talk… But instead of being maybe normal parents, they decided to make the whole night into a “girls youth night” about saving yourself for marriage. Now this course, by the forgotten famous counsellor, talked about putting value on sex. He talked about how scaring children wasn’t the answer because that takes away the point of sex and only leads to well articles like “I waited and wish I didn’t” to which I could write a whole different blog critiquing that! But back to the point, he said that often we focus so much on sex that we forget that its a gradual movement towards it. That girls need to learn the value of each step taken before sex may even happen (by sex he meant penetrative.. I hate that word but seems most correct?). His point was that we make sex so big and scary that we forget about little things that move us there. So, as an example, he made a deal with his daughter for X amount of money to NOT kiss a boy before high school graduation, before college graduation and before their wedding day. Now, the last two seem a bit extreme but I mean, my cousins had their first kiss on their wedding day so who am I to judge?

Since this was a “girls night youth” event course thing, my parents decided to make the deal with me in front of others to make a point. The point being that its not that I’m not allowed to kiss anyone, its just is it worth it? Is that boy, whoever he is, worth my time and love. So we made a deal, if I could make it through high school without losing my first kiss, I would get $5000. Easy right? WRONG!

Before I continue with the $5000 deal, that same time I made that deal, I also signed a contract with my parents that I had decided to save my virginity for my future husband. At the time, it seemed like such an easy answer! Who wouldn’t want to have their first time with their future husband? How cute is it if you only ever slept with your spouse? So at the age of 13 I got my purity ring (which funny enough I lost the first one after 2 years, boating accident…oops! But I now wear the second ever purity ring and have never gone a full day without wearing). Back to the money…

Sure, you may look back and think, I didn’t kiss anyone. I would have made easy money! While others would think, dude thats lame? Nothing wrong with a kiss? Its innocent! But here’s the thing. Its not always innocent. Sure when you’re young it seems so pure but then again, kissing is only the first step, maybe not even the technical first step, towards sex. I made it through high school fairly easily with no problems but I always had a fear that if I did date in high school, why would he stay with me if I wouldn’t kiss him! But think about that… Why should a kiss be a reason you stay in a relationship? Now lets turn that up a notch. Why should sex be a reason you stay in a relationship? Why should sex be a reason someone would or wouldn’t date you?

So I had what I like to call a “thing” because I don’t really think high school dating can really count when you really don’t know what it really means or how to act in a relationship. Anyway, I was with this guy *John (in Grade 11) and falling fast! But he, like most boys his age, wanted to kiss and makeout and really probably sex too. I remember him saying, “I want you to be my girlfriend? If you kiss me, I know we’re dating.” IF YOU KISS ME, I KNOW WE’RE DATING?! WTF?! He was well aware of my deal. Frogs and Prince dude is a genius because here I am, sitting across from who I think is the love of my life and he basically says kiss me and be my girl or make $5000 in 2 months. What do you think I did?

Well, 2 months later, I had $5000 cash. That’s right John, you little dink, I made money because I realized that my kiss, my body, well just that I deserved better than some boy who just wanted a kiss. That I was worth more than $5000. That I was worth respect and love not lust. But man, that decision was not easy. I may have turned him down but I definitely had a couple sleepless nights and long cries over John.

So when I went to University, I got nervous. It was like, I’m this naive girl who knows nothing and have entered the “Freshman Frenzy,” as I like to call it. Everyone is hormonal and excited to see attractive new people who can just do as they please since we no longer “live under my (insert parent name) roof!” I was so nervous that I was almost embarrassed that I still wore a purity ring. But here’s the thing, maybe even if I did decide to wait until marriage, that was a decision I made at 13. A decision I am still allowed to question and ultimately make when I want. And although I often waiver in my thoughts of truly waiting until marriage or waiting until I find someone I see my future with or someone I love, I know that even if I wait longer than the average, I did it because I know I’m worth it. I did it because I’m worth more than $5000. That whoever sees me at my most vulnerable wants to be part of that for me, not just my body or a quick one night stand.

I mean, do I think sex before marriage is wrong? I don’t know. I don’t really think so. I think it’s honestly a preference thing at this point… As a Christian it’s honestly hard to know where the line is because you see other “strong” Christians (whatever that means) make decisions that contradict what you’ve been raised to believe and you begin testing the waters yourself. Even find yourself pushing your boundaries. Do I have the answer to sex? NO. Do I know if I am waiting for marriage? NO. But I know that when the time comes, I’ll be happy with whatever choice I make. *Look for a future blog about sex before marriage because it’s definitely gonna happen

Anyway, in today’s day and age its hard to admit to people that the ring I wear on my hand is indeed a purity ring. That I have saved myself and that I am truly still trying to save that piece for someone important. I may waiver in my decision often and question if I should just be like the cool kids and “get it over with” but my first kiss was stolen from me and that’s the last thing I would want with my virginity. So, at the end of the day, people may see me as a prude or some Jesus freak but either way, I respect myself and love myself at the end of the day and that’s really all that matters.

So, if you are part of the “waiting until XXX,” I salute you in your journey and admit to you that it is not an easy road to take. Holy Frick is it hard sometimes. Christian girls are also horny people! We are not prudes! We just, you know, don’t talk about it because apparently that’s the proper thing to do! You’ll soon see Imma break that wall down and be quite open about sex! Haha!

Sending Love Your Way,

Broken Girl Learning to Heal

*name has been changed

Welcome

Hello there! If you have happened to stumble upon this blog than kudos to you because I’m not sure how this even works. I started this blog in hopes of finding a way to share my thoughts and feelings about, well, everything without actually having to talk face to face with someone about it.

So, here’s a bit about me. I like to think that I’m your average girl. My life isn’t extraordinary and I honestly, prefer not to do a whole lot. I have a “white girl” inside of me who likes Lululemon and Starbucks but I mean, who doesn’t like those things? I was raised as a MK and PK, which means a Missionary Kid and a Pastor’s Kid. Sure, you may think that makes me pure as snow but let’s get real, no one’s perfect.  We don’t like to talk about it but as Christians, we MAKE FUCKING MISTAKES! We are NOT perfect. We swear. We think “unclean thoughts” and we struggle with our faith often. And well, if you don’t struggle with those things, what the fuck?

Anyway, I wanted to start an honest conversation where I could share my thoughts on literally everything! No topic untouched and no thought held back. You may not agree with me and hey, that’s okay! I am by no means telling you how to live your life or that I am doing it right because understand, send help! I have no idea how to live life properly but then again, does anyone really know?

Now, you may wonder why I’ve called this “Diary of a Broken Girl.” Fair question. You see, I think we all have baggage and secrets we hold in. We all have stories we want to share and talk about but are too afraid to. But, here’s the thing, there’s nothing wrong with being broken. Being broken is to acknowledge and understand that things can and need to be fixed. So, welcome to my blog. Welcome to my weird thought process and my random stories which may make you laugh, make you cry, make you angry and even make you confused.
Sending Love Your Way,

Broken Girl Learning to Heal

What Now?

So I’m sitting here thinking, I’ve made this blog I’ve only ever dreamed about and now what? What do I write about next? And it’s funny. I hate this question. I didn’t always hate it but recently, it comes up a lot in my life. You see, I’m a recent University grad and well, life didn’t exactly play out as I thought it would.

I was raised in a home where life just happens. You don’t have to do a lot besides be a good Christian girl, go to church, love Jesus, find a man, marry him and have kids. Easy right? WRONG! You see I always thought I would find the love of my life in high school. We’d be high school sweethearts who went to the same college or university, grow together, learn what love was really all about and be married once we finished school. He would get a job and support the family while I, who would happily continue working as a successful anything, would stay at home with our kids. Now, I am a very career orientated woman so saying that kind of makes me shiver but at the same time, I know I would be happy staying at home with the kids.

Add four years of university and nothing. No husband. No fiance. No freaking man in my life! How did this happen? Sure, I lived a good social life and have lots of friends but how am I the odd girl out? How did my perfect plan fail? Oh yeah. It’s not a perfect plan. You don’t get to just dream up a situation and it comes to fruition, or at least my life has taught me that. I mean, I wasn’t like chasing after boys and most the time I would say “I’m not really looking for anyone.” Which, even if you say this, you kinda are. Don’t let anyone fool you with that. Also, the whole “you find them when you’re not looking” thing, Fuck that! No way are you truly NEVER looking for someone. Sure you may not be actively pursuing someone but come on?

Anyway, keeping all that in mind, what now? What fucking now? I thought life would be a lot different than it is. I may ask myself this question often but it doesn’t help when everyone and their dog also asks this question. “So, what now? Any plans?” or “How is a good looking and smart girl like you single? What now?” This is my life. This is almost my daily life. But you know, I’ve learned that being put together doesn’t mean being perfect. I thought after school my life would be in order and all put together but here I am, sitting in my living room, avoiding responsibilities and the fact that I am indeed very single. And yet, I’m happy. I’m healthy. I have great friends and family who love me and I’ve got lots of time ahead of me so what’s the worry? What’s the rush?

So, if you’re like me and this post, which is a bit disjointed, a bit confusing and a bit rambly, welcome to the land of the unknown. But don’t dismay! It’s really not the end of the world! Even if your mom is really getting worried about it…

Sending Love Your Way,

Broken Girl Learning to Heal